Why we choose not to Love?

Love should feel natural, effortless, and freeing—but for many of us, it isn’t. Choosing love, especially the kind that is healthy, whole, and sustaining, is often one of the hardest things we can do. And the truth is, it starts with ourselves. Loving ourselves is not always simple. We’ve been conditioned to doubt our worth, to believe we must earn love, or that love only comes with conditions. These messages are heavy, and they shape how we approach every relationship we enter—whether with a partner, a friend, or even our own hearts.

Sometimes, our understanding of love begins with our first love—the person or experience that first made our hearts feel full. For some, it was a childhood friend or a first crush; for others, it was a parent, a sibling, or even a pet that offered comfort. These early experiences leave imprints on how we see connection, trust, and affection. Similarly, how we experienced love in our families teaches us lessons—both conscious and unconscious—about what love looks like, what it demands, and what it feels like to be safe or vulnerable with another person.

Choosing love is hard because it requires vulnerability. It demands that we confront our fears, our past hurts, and the ways we’ve learned to protect ourselves. It asks us to set boundaries, to say no when something doesn’t serve us, and yes when something nurtures our growth. Healthy love cannot thrive without these boundaries—but enforcing them often feels selfish, uncomfortable, or even wrong. We’ve been taught to give endlessly, to bend, to compromise ourselves for the sake of connection. But true love, the kind worth choosing, never asks us to erase who we are.

Love is also hard because it forces reflection. We must examine the patterns we carry, the conditions we place on ourselves and others, and the ways we’ve been hurt. When we see ourselves clearly, flaws and all, we are faced with a choice: Do we believe we deserve love despite our scars? Or do we settle for less, repeating cycles that keep our hearts small and our spirits restrained? Choosing love means trusting that we are enough, that our boundaries are valid, and that our hearts are worthy of care without compromise.

At its core, the difficulty of choosing love is a reflection of the depth of the work it requires. It asks us to be brave, honest, and intentional. But every time we choose love—by honoring ourselves, by enforcing our boundaries, by seeking relationships that uplift rather than diminish us—we take a radical step toward freedom. Choosing love is never easy, but it is always necessary. Because the love we give ourselves sets the standard for all the love we allow into our lives.

Reflection Questions:

• Who was your first love, and what did that experience teach you about connection and trust?

• How did you experience love in your family growing up, and how does that influence how you give and receive love today?

• In what ways have you struggled to choose love for yourself?

• Are there patterns or past experiences that make trusting love difficult?

• What boundaries do you need to set to honor your worth?

• How do you define healthy love, and does your current life reflect that definition?